The wrong environment part 1

When children are raised in an environment that does not reflect the kingdom of God (toxic environment) they will easily pick up the sins of their care givers/parents and will draw conclusions about life that will make them vulnerable to sin. As I have researched on this issue, three things have become very clear to me

1. It is impossible for a caregiver who has not dealt with their own root heart issues to simulate or create an environment that is inconsistent with what is in their heart.
2. Children learn mostly by what they see, not what they hear. If there is a discrepancy between the two, it becomes a source of great confusion and frustration, because children have a unique ability to detect this i.e. hypocrisy
3. Children who grow up in a toxic/unhealthy environment will themselves become toxic. The longer they are exposed to this environment, the harder it is for them to genuinely repent.

If as a child you feel safe, accepted and loved your body becomes specialized in exploration, play and cooperation, if you are frightened and unwanted it specializes in managing feelings of fear and abandonment – The Body Keeps Score by Bessel A van

A toxic home is characterized by confused or undefined roles/responsibilities, disrespectful interactions, gossip, backbiting, emotional and physical abuse, neglect, underlying unresolved issues, rebellion, fear, manipulation, power struggles, revenge and constant disagreements. This is the kind of environment that attracts the kingdom of darkness, demonic operation, sickness, poverty and the curses spelled out in Deuteronomy 28.

What is a good environment?

Jesus came not only to tell us about the kingdom of God, but he also modeled it and through many parables taught us who our father is, and how he deals with various dynamics of his family. The bible talks about all of us being spiritual prodigals/orphans, who have rebelled and run away from a good father and therefore in it are many rich illustrations of how God expects us to create a culture of heaven in our families.

Identity

Children draw their identity from how they are treated, but also from how they see their parents treat themselves and others. The number one source of identity is a father, all healthy fatherly parenting is a projection of the nature of God the Father..even Jesus before he started His ministry had to be affirmed by His Father.

This is my beloved. Son, with whom I am well pleased. Mathew 3:17

Children will believe and trust their fathers more than anyone else, because they instinctively follow the strongest and most authoritative person in their lives. This could be a single mum, but for the most of us, how our father treated or did not treat us set the course for our destinies. The conversations we have had with our father’s shape us, and their voices are constant reminder of who we are regardless of the turmoil around us. Nothing prepares our children better for life more than a strong identity and sense of belonging, when they are adults they fall back on these two things when things get tough as is expected in life.

This is my definition of success, it is what sets most people apart, how they resolve the storms of life i.e. failure, loss, betrayal, rejection and disappointment. Healthy parenting prepares children to overcome life’s challenges.

I thank God for my Dad, a man of few words; I remember every positive thing he said about me

1. How we treat our children

Tom the second born of two boys is an average student. His brother Mike, is talented and was always top of his class. How his father approaches this family dynamic will define Mike for most of his life

Scene 1

The father or father figure constantly celebrates Tom, and does not value that Mike is making slow but good progress in school and is actually a very good basketball player. In every family gathering Tom’s success is the main topic of discussion. Although the father figure love’s Mike, Mike interprets this as “I am not good enough” unless the root issue is corrected a number of things can happen

1. Mike will try to overcompensate, by working very hard or being the good boy/snitch of the house. He could develop jealousy, envy or hatred for Tom, he could spend most of his life looking for his father’s affirmation, a sort of idolatry.
2. Mike will give up trying to please his parents; he will accept the fact that he will never be good enough. He could struggle in academics, join the wrong company (gangs) that give him the affirmation that he needs.

In both scenarios, Mike will forever leave life in the shadow of his brother, and will struggle to find his true identity and destiny in life. What a tragedy!!

“The Kingdom of God celebrates uniqueness and diversity the kingdom of darkness creates a false ideals and manipulates and conforms everyone to become it”

Overcompensating mike will struggle with jealousy, perfectionism, criticizing and will have a low tolerance for failure in his life. Therefore he will avoid taking risks.. Rebellious Mike will find a father figure in the local gang, who will tell him what he craves to hear.

A family is only as strong as how accepted its weakest link feels.

How Parents treat others

Luke grew up in an abusive home, in many occasions’ he witnessed his drunk father abuse his mother. He therefore became a mom’s boy, determined to save his mother and any other woman he meets. Luke develops what we call a God complex or what Hollywood calls the night in shinning armor complex

Scene 1

Luke makes an inner vow, that he will never drink or raise his voice at a woman, that he will treat women as queens because they are weak and vulnerable and are always to be protected. This he achieves with great success, unfortunately he becomes a door mat, women walk all over him because he is unable to reprimand or lead them, instead his life revolves around their ever changing needs. A codependent he has no boundaries and is unable to say no, unless he repents. His marriage will be a disaster.

Scene 2

Luke could also become an abusive husband as is often the case, because he does not know how to have a healthy conversation with women.

When push comes to shove most grown-ups default to the things they saw their parents do. The saying  “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” goes beyond genetics. Children pick up, good or bad habits from their care givers; unless they repent these patterns are repeated generation after generation

Forgiveness

This is probably the most important kingdom value that keeps and sustains a home, if this value is not verbally taught and modeled using real life events or the opposite is demonstrated, children grow up and use un-forgiveness as a tool to control and manipulate in their relationships. There is probably no sin more destructive than unforgiveness, I know this because it has been a family strong hold for generations, where I come from.

Stories about forgiveness demonstrate the kingdom of God more than any other, our children should hear this stories and know that this is expected of them. My wife once told me a story about her cousin, that when they were newly married a car that they had just purchased was stolen from their parking. They woke up and the car was not there, gone!! , what the man of the house did that morning remains the highlight of this young couples children and my wife to this day. The head of the home asked them to hold hands and pray, that day they prayed for the thief and forgave him. What a powerful lesson, it impacted my wife greatly when she was young, she still marvels when she retells the story. 

In my view unforgiveness is the number source of bondage in Christians Homes. These lesson if well taught and demonstrated will save Christians countless hours in family counseling, court cases and family feuds.

The cost of a stolen car pales in-comparison to the emotional and financial cost of a divorce and broken homes.

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy Communication and Conflict

Sharing Power and Responsibility

Celebrating uniqueness and diversity

Honor